Article by Deirdre Rolfe @ counselloroncall
TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS TESTS
For each of the following questions, check ONE of the boxes designated as:
Almost always, Often, Rarely (but sometimes), Never.
*Use your first response.
- Non-spouse Test #1 = ”Spouse” can be interchanged to test any person in your life with whom you are in a sexual or romantic relationship to determine if they are toxic for you.
- Non-spouse Test #2 = Test for non-sexual relationships, i.e., boss, business partner, mother, father, aunt, uncle, sibling, mother-in-law, father-in-law, friend etc..
SPOUSE/PARTNER TEST #1
(For spouse/partner with whom you are in a romantic relationship. The word “Spouse” can be substituted for Partner, mate, boyfriend, or girlfriend.)
1. My spouse emotionally supports me in all areas of my life when I’m upset, stressed out, or in pain.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
2. I can disagree with my spouse/partner without upsetting him/her.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
3. My spouse is sensitive and respectful of my feelings and my needs.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
4. My spouse freely gives money to me without
questioning me what it is for.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
5. My spouse easily praises me (outside of times of sexual relations).
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
6. When my spouse gets really angry with me, he ________ can control his anger.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
7. My spouse is open to me about his weaknesses and we are emotionally very close.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
8. My spouse encourages me to have my own friends and activities outside of our relationship.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
9. My spouse is completely respectful of me during sex, and I am at ease with his/her methods and requests.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
10. My spouse consults with me before making large purchases and investments.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
11. My spouse is easy to plan and schedule activities with.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
12. My spouse easily controls his temper with me and/or with the kids:
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
13. I think my spouse loves truly loves himself/herself.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
14. My spouse gives freely of his emotions to me to better our relationship.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
15. My spouse acts like he/she trusts me.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
16. My spouse admits his/her mistakes and says, “I’m sorry”, when wrong.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
17. When I tell/ask my spouse/partner to do something, he/she will do it willingly, and without conflict.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
18. My spouse makes me feel like I can do everything right for him/her.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
19. My spouse stops himself before criticizing me, or saying something verbally abusive to me.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
20. My spouse likes me to be in charge, instead
of him/her.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
21. In a crisis, my spouse______________ acts without getting angry or upset.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
22. Our relationship gives my life peace.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
23. My spouse puts me, and my needs, above his/her buddies, activities, and hobbies.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
24. My spouse listens and communicates with me without conflict.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
25. My spouse prevents all forms of physical abuse in our home, to include hitting, slapping, pushing and/or shoving.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
26. I would ________________see my spouse/partner throw objects at me,
the wall, or at the children.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
TESTS #1
SCORING YOUR TEST RESULTS:
Add up the number of times each answer was used:
PTS. TOTALS
Almost always _________x 1 = _________
Often _________x 2 = _________
Rarely _________x 4 = _________
Never _________x 6 = _________
TOTAL SCORE _________
KEY:
Almost always = 1 point
Often = 2 points
Rarely = 4 points
Never = 6 points
IMPORTANT SCORING NOTE:
**IF YOUR ANSWER TO #25, ON TEST #1, WAS ANY ANSWER OTHER THAN “ALMOST ALWAYS”, YOU MUST ADD 15 POINTS TO YOUR OVERALL SCORE.
NON-SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP TEST #2
1. I feel like he/she works against me.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
2. He/she criticizes me__________.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
3. He/she is insensitive to my feelings and requests for change.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
4. He/she says negative things to me.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
5. When he/she tells/asks me to do something, there is no negotiation. It is “My way, or the highway”.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
6. I feel like I have to defend myself, my family, and my opinion from him/her.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
7. He/she is emotionally distant towards me.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
8. He/she resents me for spending time with friends or other people on his/her time.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
9. He/she tells inappropriate things that embarrass or degrade me, my race, religion, sex or occupation.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
10. He/she lies about things or misrepresents the truth.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
11. He/she thinks that he/she is always RIGHT.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
12. He/she cannot control his/her temper and explodes with little warning.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
13. He/she uses blame, guilt and shame to get me to comply with what he/she wants me to do or think.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
14. He/she is a taker in our relationship. I do most of the giving.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
15. He/she does not trust me or my intentions.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
16. He/she cannot admit mistakes, or blames them on others.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
17. He/she says one thing and does another.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
18. He/she _____________tries to control me.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
19. He/she expects a lot from me, but _________shows no appreciation.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
20. He/she will embarrass me or others without showing remorse.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
21. He/she remembers events differently and switches the truth around to serve his/her story.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
22. He/she is stingy with money.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
23. Communication with him/her is like a competition of words.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
24. He/she calls me, my children, and/or others names, like idiot, stupid,…etc.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
25. I am usually the first to try to resolve our conflicts or to say, “I’m sorry”.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
26. If I make suggestions for change, he/she gets defensive.
Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.
TESTS #2:
SCORING YOUR TEST RESULTS:
Add up the number of times each answer was used:
PTS. TOTALS
Almost always _________x 6 = _________
Often _________x 4 = _________
Rarely _________x 2 = _________
Never _________x 1 = _________
TOTAL SCORE _________
KEY:
Almost always = 6 points
Often = 4 points
Rarely = 2 points
Never = 1 point
*The relationship analysis .
SCORING ANALYSIS
A.) (Scores between 81 – 181 points)
The good news is that you have been honest with yourself and have come face to face with your pain and discontent. You will no longer suffer in silence. The bad news is that you are in a highly TOXIC RELATIONSHIP and it is affecting you deeply. The higher your test score, the more toxic your relationship is for you.
You feel less, rather than more, from this relationship because it is chipping away at YOU. Your partner is a TAKER, and you are probably the GIVER in the relationship and your well has run dry!! If you have the ability to do so- try to avoid this person. Your health will be better and your frustration level will go down. Plus, you will have more peace in your life. This may mean detachment from your partner, leaving your job, saying, “No” to get-togethers, or asserting your independence. It’s time to take care of you and think about your future and happiness. If you do not want to lose this relationship, be prepared to work, consistent, hard work to return you to a position of empowerment, but it will be worth it.
Ask yourself, “Do I want to live my next 20 years like I have been living the past ones while in this relationship?”
My hope and goal is to help you find the lost YOU, and to restore some of the power you have relinquished in this relationship. I want to re-write the script you are playing out, and teach you what you can expect in this relationship if things don’t change; and then empower you to make the necessary changes.
Empowerment Skills are a vitally important “First Step” to the process of strengthening your position in this relationship. From this point forward, you will not give up any more power in this relationship, nor be controlled by someone that does not have your best interests as a priority. Part of you has undoubtedly been lost over the time spent in this relationship. If you have stayed long enough, you may even see changes in your personality. You may have already become more defensive, more combative, and angry.
Your eyes will now be opened and you will never see relationships the same again. You are not alone, and you are not crazy. You haven’t caused this relationship to be toxic. However, you have undoubtedly given and given to this relationship without receiving back from your partner, and by doing so, have contributed to your own pain.
By saving YOU, you may ultimately SAVE this relationship. It is a long process to remove toxicity and get your relationship back on track.
**Remember, if Test #1, answer #25 about physical violence, was answered in any way other than “Almost always”, you cannot stay in this relationship. Physical violence cannot exist in a healthy long-term relationship. There is a better future for you in a new relationship. The relationship is too toxic to remain in a physically abusive relationship. Do not minimize or rationalize why physical violence occurred. No matter what the reason, it is not a valid one. There is not, nor ever will be, a time when physical violence against a spouse is an acceptable means to solve a problem.
Start today, to implement the necessary Empowerment Skills to strengthen yourself. In a highly toxic environment, it is almost impossible to be objective. If you cold get away for a period of time it would help to clear your mind. Read on and you will understand why, Remember, take care of YOU!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!
(Additional analysis for Test #2)
No amount of money is worth living in an environment of negativity and stress that promotes bad health. If you are in an atmosphere that is toxic, painful, hurtful, and confusing, you must remove yourself and detach immediately. Beginning again may be the smartest solution for you. It is time to consider your health and well being. Toxicity spreads, and can affect your health long-term if you do not limit contact.
B.) (Scores between 56 – 80 points)
NO relationship starts out TOXIC. Rather, the relationship becomes toxic one baby step at a time and yours is on its way. You have a relationship where you are relinquishing power on a continuum. It may not happen daily, but you are slowly being robbed of your power weekly, or perhaps monthly, in your case. This relationship is also Toxic (especially the higher your number) although NOT as fully enmeshed in toxicity as category #1 above. At this point, your partner has not fully asserted or flared his ugly head in all areas of your relationship, that is, yet.
You will soon discover that toxicity in the relationship is a reflection of your compliance. If you comply with a toxic person’s demands, they will not be compelled to escalate their control mechanisms to the next level. However, in complying, are you surrendering on, and sacrificing on things that are important to you? This is exactly how power is stripped from you, by giving up a portion of you, to appease them.
This relationship may only be a few years away from becoming fully TOXIC as described in category #1. You are now feeling frustrated at times in this relationship due to your partner’s assertion of control over many areas of your life. If you continue to relinquish power, over time, you will feel further frustration and pain in this relationship.
Pay very close attention to where you could be heading. Also pay attention to your need for Empowerment Skills set forth so that your relationship will not deteriorate to one of further toxicity, but rather, -improve. You ultimately CAN and WILL be taught to take back the reigns that hold your path for the future. You have within you the ability to turn your relationship around. You may not change your partner’s behavior. They have free agency that adamantly resists any change, but you WILL be able to change your reactions and improve the quality of your life. This will be an eye-opening experience to realize your frustrations are founded and warranted. You are living with someone who consistently places your needs below theirs.
(Additional analysis for Test #2)
If you have the flexibility to do so, begin to set clear boundaries in this relationship. If they refuse to respond avoid unnecessary contact.
C.) (Scores between 35 – 55 points)
The good news is that the relationship is not fully Toxic. The bad news is that often you feel diminished in this relationship, and do not feel presently in control of many important areas of your life. You have positive aspects of your relationship, but you are being controlled more than you may have realized which has caused you frustration and discontent at times. Your relationship is not fully “Golden” either, because there are also times of distrust and inconsiderate behavior that throw you off and cause you to wonder what is going on.
My advice to you is to protect the relationship that you have now, and importantly, IMPROVE the relationship by firming up your boundaries and empowerment skills NOW, rather than lose any ground in this relationship. It is easier to improve from where you are now, than to try to revive the relationship later.
It’s important you solidify your boundaries. There are always stressful periods that surface in a relationship with conflicts over money, health issues, and debts, jobs, or children issues. It will be helpful and vital for you to learn now the skills necessary to make it through the tough times surely to come. Good luck in your pursuit of increased knowledge so that your relationship will only improve, and never decline over the years. Again, “Best Wishes” for a future filled with a happy, healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationship!
D.) (Scores under 34 points)
Congratulations! You’ve got a Golden One!! This score represents a mutually giving and supportive relationship where your needs are being met (providing you were wholly honest in your responses). This kind of relationship is worth keeping and working on diligently. This type of relationship is rare. You may have some minor upsets in the relationship but most problems can and are resolved together.
Pass this valuable information along to help others in troubled relationships. That’s the best gift you can offer them as a true friend. Good relationships don’t just happen by luck. Healthy people make healthy relationships that lack toxicity. Emotionally unhealthy people create emotionally unhealthy relationships. It only takes one toxic person in a relationship to dictate and cause an unhealthy climate for a relationship. You should be aware that other relationships, outside of your marriage, may develop that are toxic for you. It will be difficult to spot a toxic person for what they are. You are not conditioned to see them accurately. You are only conditioned to see another partner according to your personal experiences. Always be aware, and especially informed to protect yourself. As for this relationship,….continue to love freely and enjoy your good fortune!
(Additional analysis for Test #2)
These are lifelong contacts. Do not burn your bridges with these golden relationships. These are the mentors, friends and soul-mates we all look for and cherish in our lives. These are the types of friends where you can pick right up again where you left off as though you saw one another yesterday, even though, in reality, it has been several years. Protect and cherish these lasting Golden relationships.
Deirdre Rolfe
Clinical Hypnotherapist and Clinical Counsellor
CounsellorOnCall
For Skype anywhere int he world, 1 on 1 counselling or hypnosis sessions or to purchase any of my cds or books contact me at
counselloroncall 
Very, very eye opening. Leaves me with some things to think about.
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Glad you found it useful.YES, whether its a love relationship OR a freindship I think its important to be AWARE.I tend to categorized into 3 piles as if I were “cleaning house “. Pile #1 Deifnately keep, Pile # 2 maybe…will re-assess in 3 months Pile # # Get rid of it.If youre in pile # 2….you might need to have a deeper conversation,make some rules or boundaries or get Counselling and see how you go in a few months.Glad you found it interesting 🙂 Deirdre Rolfe http://www.counselloroncall.com.au
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with a score of 132, this is definitely a pile #3 issue….. I always knew things were bad, but I never realized things were this bad. As I was answering the questions I realized how blind I really was, how much denial I have been in over the years.
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My brother suggested I might like this website. He was entirely right.
This post actually made my day. You cann’t imagine just how much time I had spent for this information! Thanks!
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Im glad you found it insightful.Sometimes when we are “in” a situation its hard to measure whether its right or not….tests like this puts it into perspective and helps confirm what we already know.Thanks to yoru brother for suggesting my site 🙂
Deirdre Rolfe
http://www.counselloroncall.com
http://www.counselloroncall.wordpress.com
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It’s not my first time to visit this web site, i am browsing this web site dailly and take good facts from here all the time.
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ahh thank you kindly Jasmin for letting me know you find this site useful.I’m so glad you’re able to utilize some of the things I post.Its a daily comittment and one I am very dedicated to uphold.I love hearing feedback and comments and appreciate yout aking the time 🙂
cheers
Deirdre Rolfe
http://www.counselloroncall.com.au
http://www.counseloroncall.wordpress.com
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I like it when folks come together and share views.
Great website, stick with it!
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Thanks Sienna …I will 🙂
cheers
Deirdre Rolfe
http://www.counselloroncall.com.au
http://www.counselloroncall.wordpress.com
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What’s up it’s me, I am also visiting this site on a regular basis,
this web site is genuinely good and the viewers are in fact sharing nice
thoughts.
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There is certainly a great deal to find out about this topic.
I love all of the points you’ve made.
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Yes thanks Steffen…anything I offer up on my blog is simply a point of reference…the beginning of one’s thought processes to look a little more closely to those things that may have been somehow in the back of your mind.Its a good idea to occasionally take an iventory or do a bit of spring cleaning in one’s life to reassess if the people around you are as healthy and right for you as you need them to be.Recently an article in my local paper release an article that said our environment and the people around us, with their temperments and menetal health…is as contagious as the common cold.Therefore lets hope we are all catching joy and happiness 🙂
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I’m really impressed along with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid subject or did you modify it your self? Anyway stay up the nice quality writing, it is uncommon to see a great blog like this one these days..
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Thanks Dorris
It is not a paid endeavor just a part of what I do.Glad you like it…I appreciate the feedback and will continue to publish ….good to know its of value to others.
Cheers
Deirdre Rolfe
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