THE WELLNESS INDUSTRY BOOM: LIFE BEFORE SOCIAL MEDIA, YOGA AND KALE

 wellnessguruTHE WELLNESS INDUSTRY

DEIRDRE ROLFE

JUNE 14 2016

You name it, I’ve studied it. I’m a 52 year old Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who in the beginning of my career inhaled every type of therapy available as I was focused on how to reach and transform the pain in the clients I saw. Amongst traditional counselling, Hypnosis, NLP and life skills I studied, Reiki, Kahuna healing, Tibetan singing bowls ,Energy healing and Chakras, meditation, Music therapy, Art Therapy, Indian Head Massage, Jungian dream analysis and symbolism, and many more alternative therapies .In fact my interests in healing and the human psyche was birthed by my Mother who used to take me to everything that would serve to open my mind to choices in how we heal and connect; Baptist churches, Haitian churches, Indian temples, Psychic fairs, Gypsy readers. My mother wanted me to form my own opinions after I tried something new before I simply rejected it. She showed me the value in honouring the many paths that people take and that choices feed the many needs and languages of what an individual may need. I continued this into my own career so I could at least understand and be more expansive in my approach. I didn’t embrace everything but I enjoyed the journey. I followed the advice of a wise Mentor , one of many I’ve had, who said “Deirdre, there is a high road and low road to everything…always take the high road and you’ll be fine.” Obviously it’s up to the individual to determine what that highroad is and set the boundaries accordingly. I understand the excitement in knowledge, in opening the way for growth, healing, inner reflection and wellness. Embracing new experiences, saying yes , as knowledge IS POWER.

So, it’s not that the Wellness Industry is new….it’s just the wheel is being ‘reinvented” and I worry, as an observer, that REAL is no longer REAL if it’s taught as the latest marketing tool to support your brand and increase those sales. I mean I’m not sure how you feel but I cringe when I see yet another video pop up in my Facebook feed of someone who’s revealing their deepest fear, with puppy eyes sincerity only to quickly tag in that super turbo blender and latest Kale recipe, or some pyramid brand product . Don’t get me wrong, it’s exciting social media, and it’s so powerful. It’s a whole new form of reaching your perspective clients and I do have to navigate through or should I say “stumble” in order to keep up and stay …in the game…but I’m trying to do it with integrity and with the basic common courtesy I’d like others to give me. But it is a game, isn’t it?

What was initially designed to connect us has in fact disconnected us, not just to each other, but worst of all, to ourselves…you know…THE REAL YOU. Assuming you had the time in your own quiet to explore, challenge and reflect on the REAL you. No, its not quite the same thing if every single facet of your self exploration is documented and uploaded ,tagged and stamped with your brand. I mean I remember my Dad spending our entire Disneyland holiday behind the lens of his new 8track video camera. He wasn’t even present on the rides , didn’t participate in our excited dialogues about “Pirates of the Caribbean” ,he was too busy, filming. He missed out on the whole adventure, and to his frustrations those tapes collected dust in his home office as no one cared to view them. You’re either in it, absorbing, inhaling the experience or you’re not. Documenting can disconnect us from the experiencing. Imagine just having fun versus knowing you’re on camera for everyone to see and trying to look like you’re having fun while at the same time looking fabulously young and vital ,slim and REAL.

Perhaps it’s because I have a different window in which I see things. I’ve had clients who have come to see me who have had parts of their stomach removed in order to lose weight under the strains and pursuits of “representing” the required look to support the weight loss or fitness industry they blog about, or to maintain their brand, often being their image. I’ve had clients known in social media for their confidence and strength, cry throughout our sessions overwhelmed by the pressures of feeling unable to show their vulnerabilities.

According to the Fifth National annual Stress and Wellbeing survey in Australia they found Australians are experiencing higher levels of stress, anxiety and depression. In that survey it was found 66 % of teens need to share their experiences online if they were having a good time.Teens are getting confused between cyber world and the real world. Of those who felt the highest amount of feeling disconnected or left out the age range was 18-35.

So is this Wellness industry reaching us, healing us in a way that expands our choices ,inspires us,stirs deeper insights, assist us in being authentic, finding our real inner wholeness, uniqueness, calming us and finding powerful ways of introducing alternative therapies . Or, is this omnipresent force a dangerous weapon of mass destruction concealed in clever marketing, and branding, manipulating our psyche ? Is it fuelling our confusion over what is real, what we need for our individual self growth and not just following the trend.

As an Aries I admittedly scan over my horoscope each morning while having coffee, not a deconstructed coffee, just coffee, but I take it light-heartedly as surely one size can’t fit all.So perhaps instead of us all doing yoga, drinking kale infused smoothies, becoming vegan, mastering duck face,instagraming everything we eat…well what we want others to think we eat, uploading our videos documenting our secrets fears and heartfelt testimonials or how much fun we and our followers who sell our brand are having and the crazy things we get up to cause it’s just fun, fun fun. Maybe we don’t need to do all of that.

Maybe it’s ok that I assume there are others out there just like me who are happy to learn about other services and therapies but with a bit more integrity and honesty. And maybe in doing so, we can allow the natural selective process of people deciding for themselves what feels right. Opening up the way for people to actually hear, feel, sense, connect to their own intuition. I know it might not make me famous, and it will probably cost in a few lost clients, but when I started in this wellness industry over 20 years ago it was about helping other find what’s real to them, and about them. I was taught to assess each client and refer them on if I couldn’t help them , to only treat what I felt they needed or even more importantly what they felt they needed. I had to take various forms of therapy myself to learn and sensitize myself to the experience of my clients. I learned there was no one size fit all method…just various tools, method, theories, I collected to work with as every client must be treated individually as we are all as unique as our fingerprints.

A few years ago I went into a clothing store near my office and the sales girl immediately swooped in on me, holding up dresses she thought would look amazing on me ( yeah when I was 16),accessorizing it with belts, earring, shoes, purse, necklace, it happened suddenly and aggressively. Having studied NLP I recognize the learned tactics…distract, bombard so quickly as to confuse, offer a deal with no time to waste and take the money. I refused, walked out and never, ever went back. When I shop I like to be left alone, to vibe it out, sense, imagine how I’d look in something, where I’d wear it. I know what I like and what I need, I felt violated, and disrespected.

I think the wellness industry in many ways is doing that now.Just today I received an acceptance to join a spiritual group only to be tagged simultaneously by a member offering a FREE Alchemy course that will help me remove the fears I didn’t know I had that prevent me from making the millions I deserve. I responded to a FREE tag on Facebook last year as it came via someone I admired and trusted. Turns out the FREE information that offered to help me write my book had 7 levels of services I needed, each progressing in the 1000s $$$ it would cost AND amazingly it would only take 48 hours to write my book. Funny, a published author I know agonizes for years and does extensive research before he releases his work, but I guess as a graduate of Columbia he is just pedantic, 48 hrs for a book, and its not just about making money? Just this weekend I was at The Mind Body Spirit Expo with my daughter when a woman asked her if she wanted to sign up for a FREE vacation. She said, no thanks.  ‘NOOOOO  scathed the woman,  who doesn’t want a vacation?’ ” I don’t said my daughter.”  “That’s ridiculous, everyone wants a vacation said the woman”.  She was livid, I imagine the FREE wasn’t so free as why did it get her so riled up. All these false gurus who seemingly have our best interest are stressing me out and I wonder how its really affecting others. Whatever happened to just being real.I’m starting to think my own inner rebel is staying away from yoga just to prove my distain for being a sheep as I consider myself more wolf, albeit a wolf with seizing muscles and a sore back. If a service or brand really are good, things will sell themselves right? If something doesn’t sell it means  I need to assess the product or service not up my covert manipulation social media strategies, right? We are smarter than this, aren’t we? Integrity matters, doesn’t it? And just for the record, Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one knows and no one is watching. Not everyone needs to eat kale in fact its ok to hate it, right?

If we go back in time to what wellness used to be, it a much more personal, quiet, inner reflective, intuitive journey that was shared mainly with oneself. Nothing I ever took or studied was forced upon me, or hyper-marketed and inundated in my life. I had to search, look in obscure places, be in the right synchronized places, meeting the right person at that right moment,for me at that time or reading the right notice board. It took time, and I had time, because the more I learned the more I realized I knew nothing and that the evolution of me and my own wellness would be a life long journey. That the process of seeking the things or experiences or therapists or healers I needed was just as important as the experiences I took from them. I learned wellness was an intrinsic experience, that my true wellness and happiness and evolution was created by the internal me not reaching out to the external world. My experience or journey of my own wellness is far from over. I don’t have 1000s of likes or videos or a pictorial collection of duck face images of all the amazing things I’ve done. I couldn’t even fully put into words all I’ve learned. But I feel well, whole, I’ve worked hard at me, and I’m intrigued and excited by who I’ve become.

In the Buddhist depiction of Heaven and Hell there are 6 monks sitting around a round table, each with a bowl of hot porridge and a spoon 2 feet long. In Hell the monks struggle with their excessively long spoons and eventually starve to death, but in Heaven, they feed each other. If you imagined being in the same room with 1000s of you, would it be Heaven or Hell?

My intention is not to disregard the wonders of social media. I love seeing pictures of my friends overseas, my children just having fun, my grandkid’s latest achievements and the global consciousness and response to crisis. However, like a car its both powerful in it’s ability to take you places yet dangerous in the wrong hands.

I merely act a voice for the preservation of Wellness as outside of some great selfies it serves a much more vital role in the prevention of disease, mental disharmony and the pathway to the authentic you. So my message is simply to, Take time out , unplug from all the bombardment of what you should be eating, doing, or how you should look or feel or act, and remember what you used to love; music, dancing, tennis, laughing, art, and go do it. Do things on your own, try something new, and if you don’t like it, at least you tried. Keep some things to yourself, your greatest validation comes from within you. Get out in nature, do things that make you laugh, that make you feel loved or special or even desired. And at some point , when you feel ready, find a therapist that’s right for you. Decide if you need a Male or a female, the type of therapy that interests you and the qualification you want them to have. Find a picture of the potential therapist and Vibe it out, and do some work on you, accountable people are the healthiest people .Most importantly enjoy the process, you have time. The moment we stop philosophizing, reflecting, thinking for ourselves and listening in to our own intuition, being real, individual and evolving is the moment we are no longer alive on this earth, and I wish for all of you to reach the wonderful old age of 115.

Stay real

Trust your intuition

Deirdre Rolfe
Clinical Counsellor and Clinical Hypnotherapist
http://www.counselloroncall.com.au

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The Monkey Trap:The art of letting GO

 

The Monkey Trap

 

 

Monkey-Mia-MJK-Australia

THE MONKEY TRAP

In Southeast Asia many years ago someone developed an ingenious method to catch monkeys alive and unharmed. The “Monkey Trap” which was developed was very simple; the hunter would take a coconut, carve a hole into it and place some dried fruit and nuts inside, then chain it to a tree. The heat of the day would cause the odors of the treats to attract monkeys to the delectable monkey treats. The monkey smells the treats and reaches inside the coconut and grabs onto the fruit and nuts, forming a tight fist. As the monkey attempts to extract the treat from the coconut, the monkey finds that their fist full of food will not fit through the narrow opening. The monkey excited and frustrated will scream as he continues to hold on to his food and attempts to remove it from the coconut. This is a sign for the hunter to walk over to the monkey and throw a net over to capture it. Even as the monkey sees the hunter approaching instead of letting go of the food the monkey holds on to the food tighter and tries even harder to dislodge it’s arm and fist of food from the coconut.

Of course you and I realize that to escape from the monkey hunter, the monkey simply had to let go of the food and it would have easily been able to slide her/his hand out of the coconut and freedom and an abundance of fruit and nuts was all around. All the monkey had to do was LET GO!

We humans would be smart enough to simply let go to gain our freedom, knowing we had other choices all around us…would we not?

Of course we would like to think that we are smart enough to let go of something to gain our freedom, however the truth is, many of hang on to things so tightly that we become fixated, limited, blinded, imprisoning ourselves, when all we have to do is be willing to let go to gain our freedom. To open up to a wealth of choices and opportunity all around us.

Letting go, the art of surrender is one of the hardest things we all face. It’s one of those things we think about, scrutinize over, get stuck in. The reality is, the hardest part is trusting to just do it, just let it go, and then you realized it was much easy than you imagined. Even better than that, is your vision broadens and you now have so much more right in front of you.

So today, take a moment to consider this story in your own life. What/who are you holding on to? Anger, an idea, a person, a negative thought or feeling or statement about yourself, a sense of powerlessness or limitation? What/who do you have a death grip on that you refuse to let go of? What would happen if you decided to let go? How good would it feel to free yourself from your personal “monkey trap”?

It is all up to you, you can decide right now, today to release your grip and walk away, be free!

What will you let go of today?

Deirdre Rolfe

Clinical Hypnotherapist

CounsellorOnCall

www.counselloroncall.com.au

 

 

 

 

Success is a journey not a destination:The only failure is when you QUIT

success

Famous people that almost quit

How do you measure success? Is it a certain amount of money? Is it the person who has the biggest muscle or that ripped 6 pack? Is it the person who drives the Mercedes, owns a large home, a yacht? How is success measured? You’ve all heard the saying “It’s the journey not the destination” Well, I believe this is the true measure of success. What I think success is for me is having healthy beautiful children, enjoying a wonderful relationship with them, having grandkids, a loving partner, a beautiful home, an amazing cabin in the woods, pets I love, a business I’m passionate about, giving back to others as a means of paying it forward, hard work ethics, love, health, the gift of being alive, freedom, intelligence, expression, gratitude …all of these things are how I measure success and I feel overly abundant in my life…even if my car is an old , outdated worn out junk…because I don’t care…it gets me where I need to go…and I feel rich and successful in those areas that matter.

But I’m not saying my way is the right way. It’s a personal thing, other’s measure success very differently, and that’s ok. But what’s’ important and what we all need to agree with, it whatever your passions, whatever your focus, success comes from the continuation of doing….action…just keep on keeping on. Because that takes guts, that takes heart and perseverance and ultimately that is the real pathway toward success.

We tend to think everyone else just got there easily …that they are just really lucky. But most successful people have the same fears, the same doubts, the same frustrations and rejections. Most successful people know what it’s like to be broke, drive a crap car, but the difference between those that succeed and those that don’t…is they kept on going….they felt like stopping, 1000s of times, but they kept on going. It’s the doing when it’s the last thing you feel like doing that helps you push past those final corners, jump those hurdles and gain the discipline and momentum you need, for success.

Just to prove my point I’ve added several famous successful people’s storied below let it inspire you, let it motivate you to keep going.

We all feel the struggles, we all have those doubts, we all feel those fears…keep ploughing through anyways.

As my wise Mom always said to me “The sun always comes out from behind the clouds”

 

F. W. Woolworth: Some may not know this name today, but Woolworth was once one of the biggest names in department stores in the U.S. Before starting his own business, young Woolworth worked at a dry goods store and was not allowed to wait on customers because his boss said he lacked the sense needed to do so.

Akio Morita: You may not have heard of Morita but you’ve undoubtedly heard of his company, Sony. Sony’s first product was a rice cooker that unfortunately didn’t cook rice so much as burn it, selling less than 100 units. This first setback didn’t stop Morita and his partners as they pushed forward to create a multi-billion dollar company

Harland David Sanders: Perhaps better known as Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame, Sanders had a hard time selling his chicken at first. In fact, his famous secret chicken recipe was rejected 1,009 times before a restaurant accepted it.

 

Walt Disney: Today Disney rakes in billions from merchandise, movies and theme parks around the world, but Walt Disney himself had a bit of a rough start. He was fired by a newspaper editor because, “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” After that, Disney started a number of businesses that didn’t last too long and ended with bankruptcy and failure. He kept plugging along, however, and eventually found a recipe for success that worked.

 

Albert Einstein: Most of us take Einstein’s name as synonymous with genius, but he didn’t always show such promise. Einstein did not speak until he was four and did not read until he was seven, causing his teachers and parents to think he was mentally handicapped, slow and anti-social. Eventually, he was expelled from school and was refused admittance to the Zurich Polytechnic School. It might have taken him a bit longer, but most people would agree that he caught on pretty well in the end, winning the Nobel Prize and changing the face of modern physics.

 

Thomas Edison: In his early years, teachers told Edison he was “too stupid to learn anything.” Work was no better, as he was fired from his first two jobs for not being productive enough. Even as an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. Of course, all those unsuccessful attempts finally resulted in the design that worked.

 

Oprah Winfrey: Most people know Oprah as one of the most iconic faces on TV as well as one of the richest and most successful women in the world. Oprah faced a hard road to get to that position, however, enduring a rough and often abusive childhood as well as numerous career setbacks including being fired from her job as a television reporter because she was “unfit for tv.”

 

Jerry Seinfeld: Just about everybody knows who Seinfeld is, but the first time the young comedian walked on stage at a comedy club, he looked out at the audience, froze and was eventually jeered and booed off of the stage. Seinfeld knew he could do it, so he went back the next night, completed his set to laughter and applause, and the rest is history.

 

Fred Astaire: In his first screen test, the testing director of MGM noted that Astaire, “Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.” Astaire went on to become an incredibly successful actor, singer and dancer and kept that note in his Beverly Hills home to remind him of where he came from.

 

Vincent Van Gogh: During his lifetime, Van Gogh sold only one painting, and this was to a friend and only for a very small amount of money. While Van Gogh was never a success during his life, he plugged on with painting, sometimes starving to complete his over 800 known works. Today, they bring in hundreds of millions.

 

Steven Spielberg: While today Spielberg’s name is synonymous with big budget, he was rejected from the University of Southern California School of Theater, Film and Television three times. He eventually attended school at another location, only to drop out to become a director before finishing. Thirty-five years after starting his degree, Spielberg returned to school in 2002 to finally complete his work and earn his BA.

 

J. K. Rowling: Rowling may be rolling in a lot of Harry Potter dough today, but before she published the series of novels she was nearly penniless, severely depressed, divorced, trying to raise a child on her own while attending school and writing a novel. Rowling went from depending on welfare to survive to being one of the richest women in the world in a span of only five years through her hard work and determination.

Elvis Presley: As one of the best-selling artists of all time, Elvis has become a household name even years after his death. But back in 1954, Elvis was still a nobody, and Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired Elvis Presley after just one performance telling him, “You ain’t goin’ nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin’ a truck.”

Michael Jordan: Most people wouldn’t believe that a man often lauded as the best basketball player of all time was actually cut from his high school basketball team. Luckily, Jordan didn’t let this setback stop him from playing the game and he has stated, “I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

 

Babe Ruth: You probably know Babe Ruth because of his home run record (714 during his career), but along with all those home runs came a pretty hefty amount of strikeouts as well (1,330 in all). In fact, for decades he held the record for strikeouts. When asked about this he simply said, “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.”

Write your name here(and write your future on these lines, create you own outcome)

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The only failure is when you QUIT

I wonder which one of you will have their name on this list.

It’s up to you, but if you keep going, no matter what, then it’s just a matter of time

I wonder… which of the rest of you…will be the ones… that almost did?

YOU DECIDE

It begins with 1 decision

You never know what’s just around the corner

Deirdre Rolfe

Clinical Hypnotherapist and Clinical Counsellor

www.counselloroncall.com.au

Is your relationship TOXIC:Take the test …TEST 1 for couples TEST 2 for friendships

 

relationships-logo

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS TESTS

   For each of the following questions, check ONE of the boxes designated as:

                                    Almost always, Often, Rarely (but sometimes), Never. 

*Use your first response.

 

 

  • Non-spouse Test #1 = ”Spouse” can be interchanged to test any person in your life with whom you are in a sexual or romantic relationship to determine if they are toxic for you.

 

  • Non-spouse Test #2 = Test for non-sexual relationships, i.e., boss, business partner, mother, father, aunt, uncle, sibling, mother-in-law, father-in-law, friend etc..

 

 SPOUSE/PARTNER TEST  #1 

 (For spouse/partner with whom you are in a romantic relationship.  The word “Spouse” can be substituted for Partner, mate, boyfriend, or girlfriend.)

 

1.         My spouse emotionally supports me in all areas of my life when I’m upset, stressed out, or in pain.          

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

2.         I can disagree with my spouse/partner without upsetting him/her.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

3.         My spouse is sensitive and respectful of my feelings and my needs.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

4.         My spouse freely gives money to me without

questioning me what it is for.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

5.         My spouse easily praises me (outside of times of sexual relations).

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

6.         When my spouse gets really angry with me, he ________ can control his anger.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

7.         My spouse is open to me about his weaknesses and we are emotionally very close.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

8.         My spouse encourages me to have my own friends and activities outside of our relationship.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

9.         My spouse is completely respectful of me during sex, and I am at ease with his/her methods and requests.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

10.       My spouse consults with me before making large purchases and investments. 

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

11.       My spouse is easy to plan and schedule activities with.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

12.       My spouse easily controls his temper with me and/or with the kids:

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

13.       I think my spouse loves truly loves himself/herself.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

14.       My spouse gives freely of his emotions to me to better our relationship.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

15.       My spouse acts like he/she trusts me.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

16.       My spouse admits his/her mistakes and says, “I’m sorry”, when wrong.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

17.       When I tell/ask my spouse/partner to do something, he/she will do it willingly, and without conflict.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

18.       My spouse makes me feel like I can do everything right for him/her.           

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

19.       My spouse stops himself before criticizing me, or saying something verbally abusive to me.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

20.       My spouse likes me to be in charge, instead

of him/her.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

21.       In a crisis, my spouse______________ acts without getting angry or upset.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

22.       Our relationship gives my life peace.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

23.       My spouse puts me, and my needs, above his/her buddies, activities, and hobbies.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

24.       My spouse listens and communicates with me without conflict.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

25.       My spouse prevents all forms of physical abuse in our home, to include hitting, slapping, pushing and/or shoving.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

26.       I would ________________see my spouse/partner throw objects at me,

the wall, or at the children.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

 TESTS #1

SCORING YOUR TEST RESULTS:

Add up the number of times each answer was used:

                                                        PTS.          TOTALS

Almost always            _________x   1   =      _________

            Often              _________x   2   =      _________

            Rarely             _________x   4   =      _________     

            Never              _________x   6   =      _________

 

                        TOTAL SCORE       _________

 

KEY:

Almost always            =          1 point

Often                          =          2 points

Rarely                         =          4 points

Never                          =          6 points

 

 IMPORTANT SCORING NOTE:

 

**IF YOUR ANSWER TO #25, ON TEST #1, WAS ANY ANSWER OTHER THAN “ALMOST ALWAYS”, YOU MUST ADD 15 POINTS TO YOUR OVERALL SCORE.

 

 

 

NON-SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP TEST  #2

 

1.         I feel like he/she works against me.   

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

2.         He/she criticizes me__________.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

3.         He/she is insensitive to my feelings and requests for change.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

4.         He/she says negative things to me.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

5.         When he/she tells/asks me to do something, there is no negotiation.  It is “My way, or the highway”.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

6.         I feel like I have to defend myself, my family, and my opinion from him/her.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

7.         He/she is emotionally distant towards me.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

8.         He/she resents me for spending time with friends or other people on his/her time.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

9.         He/she tells inappropriate things that embarrass or degrade me, my race, religion, sex or occupation.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

10.       He/she lies about things or misrepresents the truth.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

 

 

11.       He/she thinks that he/she is always RIGHT.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

12.       He/she cannot control his/her temper and explodes with little warning.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

13.       He/she uses blame, guilt and shame to get me to comply with what he/she wants me to do or think.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

14.       He/she is a taker in our relationship.  I do most of the giving.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

15.       He/she does not trust me or my intentions.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

16.       He/she cannot admit mistakes, or blames them on others.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

17.       He/she says one thing and does another.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

18.       He/she _____________tries to control me.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

19.       He/she expects a lot from me, but _________shows no appreciation.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

20.       He/she will embarrass me or others without showing remorse.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

21.       He/she remembers events differently and switches the truth around to serve his/her story.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

22.       He/she is stingy with money.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

23.       Communication with him/her is like a competition of words.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

24.       He/she calls me, my children, and/or others names, like idiot, stupid,…etc.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

25.       I am usually the first to try to resolve our conflicts or to say, “I’m sorry”.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

26.       If I make suggestions for change, he/she gets defensive.

         Almost always__, Often__, Rarely__, Never__.

 

 TESTS #2:

SCORING YOUR TEST RESULTS:

Add up the number of times each answer was used:

                                                        PTS.          TOTALS

Almost always            _________x   6   =      _________

            Often              _________x   4   =      _________

            Rarely             _________x   2  =       _________     

            Never              _________x   1 =        _________

 

                        TOTAL SCORE       _________

 

KEY:

Almost always            =          6 points

Often                          =          4 points

Rarely                         =          2 points

Never                          =          1 point

 

 

 

 

*The relationship analysis .

 

 

SCORING ANALYSIS

 

A.)       (Scores between  81 – 181 points)

The good news is that you have been honest with yourself and have come face to face with your pain and discontent.  You will no longer suffer in silence.  The bad news is that you are in a highly TOXIC RELATIONSHIP and it is affecting you deeply.  The higher your test score, the more toxic your relationship is for you. 

You feel less, rather than more, from this relationship because it is chipping away at YOU.  Your partner is a TAKER, and you are probably the GIVER in the relationship and your well has run dry!! If you have the ability to do so- try to avoid this person.  Your health will be better and your frustration level will go down.  Plus, you will have more peace in your life.  This may mean detachment from your partner, leaving your job, saying, “No” to get-togethers, or asserting your independence.  It’s time to take care of you and think about your future and happiness.  If you do not want to lose this relationship, be prepared to work, consistent, hard work to return you to a position of empowerment, but it will be worth it. 

  Ask yourself, “Do I want to live my next 20 years like I have been living the past ones while in this relationship?” 

My hope and goal is to help you find the lost YOU, and to restore some of the power you have relinquished in this relationship.  I want to re-write the script you are playing out, and teach you what you can expect in this relationship if things don’t change; and then empower you to make the necessary changes. 

 Empowerment Skills are a vitally important “First Step” to the process of strengthening your position in this relationship.  From this point forward, you will not give up any more power in this relationship, nor be controlled by someone that does not have your best interests as a priority.  Part of you has undoubtedly been lost over the time spent in this relationship.  If you have stayed long enough, you may even see changes in your personality.  You may have already become more defensive, more combative, and angry.

  Your eyes will now be opened and you will never see relationships the same again.  You are not alone, and you are not crazy.  You haven’t caused this relationship to be toxic.  However, you have undoubtedly given and given to this relationship without receiving back from your partner, and by doing so, have contributed to your own pain.

By saving YOU, you may ultimately SAVE this relationship.  It is a long process to remove toxicity and get your relationship back on track. 

**Remember, if Test #1, answer #25 about physical violence, was answered in any way other than “Almost always”, you cannot stay in this relationship.  Physical violence cannot exist in a healthy long-term relationship.  There is a better future for you in a new relationship.  The relationship is too toxic to remain in a physically abusive relationship.  Do not minimize or rationalize why physical violence occurred.  No matter what the reason, it is not a valid one.  There is not, nor ever will be, a time when physical violence against a spouse is an acceptable means to solve a problem.

Start today, to  implement the necessary Empowerment Skills to strengthen yourself.  In a highly toxic environment, it is almost impossible to be objective.  If you cold get away for a period of time it would help to clear your mind.  Read on and you will understand why, Remember, take care of YOU!!  YOU ARE WORTH IT!

(Additional analysis for Test #2)

No amount of money is worth living in an environment of negativity and stress that promotes bad health.  If you are in an atmosphere that is toxic, painful, hurtful, and confusing, you must remove yourself and detach immediately.  Beginning again may be the smartest solution for you.  It is time to consider your health and well being.  Toxicity spreads, and can affect your health long-term if you do not limit contact.

 

B.)       (Scores between   56 – 80 points)

NO relationship starts out TOXIC.  Rather, the relationship becomes toxic one baby step at a time and yours is on its way.  You have a relationship where you are relinquishing power on a continuum.  It may not happen daily, but you are slowly being robbed of your power weekly, or perhaps monthly, in your case.  This relationship is also Toxic (especially the higher your number) although NOT as fully enmeshed in toxicity as category #1 above. At this point, your partner has not fully asserted or flared his ugly head in all areas of your relationship, that is, yet

You will soon discover that toxicity in the relationship is a reflection of your compliance.  If you comply with a toxic person’s demands, they will not be compelled to escalate their control mechanisms to the next level.  However, in complying, are you surrendering on, and sacrificing on things that are important to you?  This is exactly how power is stripped from you, by giving up a portion of you, to appease them.

This relationship may only be a few years away from becoming fully TOXIC as described in category #1.  You are now feeling frustrated at times in this relationship due to your partner’s assertion of control over many areas of your life.  If you continue to relinquish power, over time, you will feel further frustration and pain in this relationship.

 Pay very close attention to where you could be heading.  Also pay attention to your need for Empowerment Skills set forth so that your relationship will not deteriorate to one of further toxicity, but rather, -improve.  You ultimately CAN and WILL be taught to take back the reigns that hold your path for the future.  You have within you the ability to turn your relationship around.  You may not change your partner’s behavior.  They have free agency that adamantly resists any change, but you WILL be able to change your reactions and improve the quality of your life.  This will be an eye-opening experience to realize your frustrations are founded and warranted.  You are living with someone who consistently places your needs below theirs.

(Additional analysis for Test #2)

If you have the flexibility to do so, begin to set clear boundaries in this relationship.  If they refuse to respond avoid unnecessary contact.

 

C.)       (Scores between  35 – 55 points)

            The good news is that the relationship is not fully Toxic.  The bad news is that often you feel diminished in this relationship, and do not feel presently in control of many important areas of your life.  You have positive aspects of your relationship, but you are being controlled more than you may have realized which has caused you frustration and discontent at times.  Your relationship is not fully “Golden” either, because there are also times of distrust and inconsiderate behavior that throw you off and cause you to wonder what is going on. 

My advice to you is to protect the relationship that you have now, and importantly, IMPROVE the relationship by firming up your boundaries and empowerment skills NOW, rather than lose any ground in this relationship.  It is easier to improve from where you are now, than to try to revive the relationship later. 

It’s important you solidify your boundaries.  There are always stressful periods that surface in a relationship with conflicts over money, health issues, and debts, jobs, or children issues.  It will be helpful and vital for you to learn now the skills necessary to make it through the tough times surely to come. Good luck in your pursuit of increased knowledge so that your relationship will only improve, and never decline over the years.   Again, “Best Wishes” for a future filled with a happy, healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationship!

 

D.)       (Scores under 34 points)

            Congratulations!  You’ve got a Golden One!!  This score represents a mutually giving and supportive relationship where your needs are being met (providing you were wholly honest in your responses).  This kind of relationship is worth keeping and working on diligently.  This type of relationship is rare.  You may have some minor upsets in the relationship but most problems can and are resolved together. 

Pass this valuable information along to help others in troubled relationships.  That’s the best gift you can offer them as a true friend.  Good relationships don’t just happen by luck.  Healthy people make healthy relationships that lack toxicity.  Emotionally unhealthy people create emotionally unhealthy relationships.  It only takes one toxic person in a relationship to dictate and cause an unhealthy climate for a relationship.  You should be aware that other relationships, outside of your marriage, may develop that are toxic for you.  It will be difficult to spot a toxic person for what they are.  You are not conditioned to see them accurately.  You are only conditioned to see another partner according to your personal experiences.  Always be aware, and especially informed to protect yourself.  As for this relationship,….continue to love freely and enjoy your good fortune!

 (Additional analysis for Test #2)

These are lifelong contacts.  Do not burn your bridges with these golden relationships.  These are the mentors, friends and soul-mates we all look for and cherish in our lives.  These are the types of friends where you can pick right up again where you left off as though you saw one another yesterday, even though, in reality, it has been several years.  Protect and cherish these lasting Golden relationships.

Deirdre Rolfe

Clinical Hypnotherapist and Clinical Counsellor

CounsellorOnCall

For Skype anywhere int he world, 1 on 1 counselling or hypnosis sessions or to purchase any of my cds or books contact me at

www.counselloroncall.com.au