Conflict resolution


Here is a conflict resolution PLAN and at the end a conflict resolution exercise to help you with your interpersonal relationship. Communication remains the number one issue that gets in the way of a healthy relationship. Very few people know how to be a good communicator as the process is much more complicated than most realize. When you take the time to communicate with your partner, consider the environment in which you chose to discuss something. Is the space you’re in quiet, comfortable, private? Is the timing right? Are you both able to discuss things in a cal m manner…because once it escalates the process shuts down and you are no longer going to get positive results.
Follow the guidelines below to use as a template in your own life

The Conflict resolution exercise

The issue between us is________________
(Write down the issue)
Partner one
I feel _________ when you_________ or I feel_________because ___________
I need_______________because it helps me___________________

My responsibility in this is__________________and I can commit to___________________________________________________________________

To resolve this we could(list as many options as you can think of)________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Partner two
I I need_______________because it helps me___________________

I feel _________ when you_________ or I feel_________because ___________

My responsibility in this is__________________and I can commit to____________________________________________________________________

To resolve this we could… (again, list as many options as you can think of)________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now take some time to discuss and consider the options available. Make sure the solutions are practical and positive.

Both of you

We have agreed to________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The change(s) I am going to make are_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The change(s) my partner is going to make are_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We will sit down and talk about how the changes are going on…
(set a date)____________________________________________________

Communication exercise
Allow 1 hr 30 minutes each
Facing each other, each person is allowed one uninterrupted 30 min session .Even if you don’t feel you have enough to say for 30 minutes utilize the whole time anyways. The only reason your partner may have to speak at any time during those 30 mins is to ask their partner to a) repeat what was just said or B) to ask for further clarification. After each partner has had 30 minutes to express whatever they needed to express the two are then to depart and not discuss any aspect of this exercise for a minimum of 24hrs
The purpose of this exercise is to both facilitate active listening and effective communication skills.
Some effective communication tips to remember
Use sentences structuring form your perspective e.g. “I feel”….”I feel hurt when you forget our get –together because I feel as if you don’t value the time you spend with me”
Much better than You sentences “You make me feel sad because you forget our time together.”
Another good communication skill sis “I need” “I need to feel loved, and I need to be heard because it makes me feel safe” rather than “You don’t make me feel safe and you don’t listen to me”

Eliminate “Always, Never, Shoulds and buts”
You always say you’ll do it but never do
You never do anything right
I love you but….
I’m sorry but….
Always and never are so qualifying…how can anyone improve if there is no room for progression.

Deirdre Rolfe MTC
Clinical Hypnotherapist







Deirdre Rolfe


June 7 2006


Few people stop to explore what they think and why they think the way they do. Do you know what you think about? Do you know why you think the way you do? Do you realize just how much your life is affected by the way you think? How what you think affects what you perceive and what you perceive affects how you behave. So how do you think…what are your thoughts?


 The answer is revealed by the life you lead. Take the time right now…to just reflect on your life…looking from the outside in. How does it look?


Is your life happy, fulfilling, adventuresome, meaningful and successful? If it is, you are probably thinking thoughts of happiness, hope, positivity, possibility, and choice. If however, you are wading through an endless stream of problems and finding life painful to bear, perhaps it is caused by thoughts of doubt, failure, anger, helplessness, resentment, feelings of incompetence, and pain. In other words, be aware that your thoughts have power…the power to create a self-fulfilling reality, to direct your life. Whether you think life is miserable or great, you’re correct, for life is whatever you think it is.


The hardest lessons for any of us to reach are to fully realize that the thoughts we have and the life we live is all a matter of CHOICE. Now I’m not saying that everything that happens in our life is “our” choice, but how you”choose” to perceive it “is”. We have within all of us the ability to choose to live happily and successfully or not! Having said that it raises the question why would someone choose to be miserable…but the truth is…there is a payoff in being the victim. If we make everyone else responsible for our miserable existence, than we don’t have to be. So one can say they didn’t get the job they wanted…or haven’t met the right person…or didn’t finish school…or didn’t lose weight…or never travelled to their favourite country…or never became a professional career person…because of someone else’s influence.


Now, I’m not talking about what you couldn’t do as a child. Children aren’t able to create their own lives due to the nature of being dependent.But…once we are adults we no longer have to live the life given to us…we can now live the life we choose.


And what about bad relationships that require you to stay plugged in for the kids but keep you in perpetual states of unhappiness. Is that really a choice made for the benefit of the children? Are they really happiest with two unhappy parents?


What about toxic family members that just constantly require attention and take from us never giving, and generate a negative web we feel trapped in. Is that the other person’s fault…or are you choosing to allow that person to affect your life. Dr Phil says “There are no victims…only volunteers”.


 In life all things have their opposites…the Ying and Yang…the light and the dark…the positive and the negative…its all there…constantly around us…and we can choose to focus on either perspective depending on our thoughts. Our thoughts are the measure of the glass half-full or the glass half-empty.


The power…our true greatest power…is the awareness we receive when we take responsibility for our thoughts and re-shape them to create the life we want. To remove ourselves from the life we have right now. To step outside that life and have a good look. Decide if this is really what you want or if you want more. And if you want more, what is it you want. What are the things you want to bring into your life? Then believe you can have them…and make them happen.


Negativity breeds negativity…positivity breeds positivity…its classic quantum physics.


Challenge your thoughts. Don’t allow excuses, or negative thoughts to create obstacles on your path .Take a zero tolerance approach to your life and do it NOW!

Deirdre Rolfe M.T.C.